What I am going to write about may have details you don't want to read. It may hit close to home for some, it may be nothing others have ever experienced. For some reason, this topic is taboo in some circles. I, for one, don't understand why. I mean, I don't want to "talk" about it, because talking makes me cry, but it is also brand new to me. I don't think it's a detail of my life to be swept under the carpet and ignored. But my hands are shaking as I write this, and there are tears in my eyes. That, cannot be ignored.
I had a miscarriage. Plain and simple. More complicated, I had a "missed miscarriage". For those of you who have no idea what that is, it just means, I miscarried, but it hasn't left my body yet. This Wednesday I went to my new OB here in Texas for the first time. I was 10 weeks pregnant, and although I'd had a few minor problems, Mike and I were so excited about our new addition. We were talking about how our next Christmas picture will not only be in Texas, but a "family of four." We had bought Matthew a "Big Bro" t-shirt and I had packed a bag of maternity clothes with us, because I wasn't quite sure exactly when I would start needing them.
Anyway, the new OB does a routine ultrasound at first visits. 10 weeks in, I was pretty excited about seeing a snapshot of the babe for the first time. I was also nervous because I had had some minor spotting a few days prior. Very minor...or so I thought. But, I kept thinking, my pregnancy levels (hcg) were high, and went higher whenever they were checked (I had frequent blood draws because of low progesterone. I was on supplements for that...turns out those supplements really were doing nothing at that point. But I couldn't have known that). Anyway, as soon as the ultrasound got started, I knew it was over. There was a very large black hole on there- the gestational sac- that should have had a baby in there. Instead there was nothing. Nothing at all. (this is called a blighted ovum; a sac grows and your body produces all the pregnancy hormones, so the sac keeps growing; you even get to have lovely pregnancy symptoms; but the baby doesn't develop as it should). I knew as soon as I saw it what it meant. I'd seen enough ultrasounds WITH a baby in it last pregnancy, that I knew this wasn't right. At that very moment, the world around me just sort of crashed in on me. I don't know what else to say, other than we are so very sad. It's pretty devestating to find this kind of thing out. I'm not going to lie, I cried pretty much most of that day.
Today I go into the surgery center to have a D & C, in which they will pretty much clean out my uterus. I will get put to sleep and wake up later to have it all be over. I like to think this will add some closure to it, but I'm sure it'll be a long time before I can get the image of that empty sac out of my head.
So why am I not supposed to talk about this? Among pregnant women, there is often the discussion of "don't tell people you're pregnant until after 12 weeks." Your likelihood of miscarrying after 12 weeks is much lower. I understand this thought, really I do. I didn't shout it from the rooftops and tell the world I was pregnant. But I had told family and some close friends. And you know what? It's those family and friends who are providing me a world of support right now. All that needs to be said is "I'm sorry" or "this sucks" or a hug or I know what you're feeling. And that's enough to make me feel I am not alone. I would never want to be crying, agonizing, grieving....alone. I understand those women who want to keep it private, it's hard. Telling your loved ones you've lost the baby is not nearly as fun as it is when you get to tell people you are pregnant. But the thought of me hurting and no one even knowing, seems too much.
So that's that. If nothing else, I am an honest person, so I decided to share my story. All I can ask of anyone reading this, is love and prayers.
